Herbal Inn: suspicious Chinese medicine

A while ago I was looking for a cure to my "Help! I am skinny but have swallowed a basketball syndrome!" when I stumbled onto an article about acupuncture. It made sense, I was unexplainably bloated and I wanted it punctured. Now. My GP was baffled that paracetamol had not solved my problem so, whilst shopping in TKMaxx in Lewisham -as you do- I saw the Herbal Inn shop, offering acupuncture cures for everything from itchy feet to decapitation, and decided to check it out. The "sales guy" told me that I looked very tired and acupuncture would help me with my bloating. I ignored the hard sales techniques, but he was very persistent. I caved in, as all I wanted was to try the acupuncture, and had the 1st session the same day. The "doctor" saw me, took my pulse by pressing two fingers on my wrists and asked me several questions via a translator. His diagnose was damming: I was very sick and needed their help before my bloated belly took over my personality. I bought a course of six sessions with massage, at a whooping £200, out of sheer desperation and misguided hope (my new words for 'stupid').

The acupuncture session itself was not unpleasant but, once I was all needled up, the "doctor" told me to try to relax. I don't know about you, but having only a curtain separating me from Lewisham shopping mall with all its glorious mutant noise, plus "hard sales guy" outside trying his best to sell overpriced miracle Chinese tea to other unsuspecting victims, was not easy to relax. Worst still, as I had already bought the six sessions, I was actually pissed off. But, having no other choice, I had to go along with it. I tried hard to relax and ignore the noise, and the massage afterwards wasn't bad. The worst part, however, was after the session. Hard sales guy, doctor and translator were intent in selling me their tea; they told me the acupuncture alone would not help me, I would have to drink the tea morning and evening, and after a while, I would get better and what was £38 to feel better? I caved in...again... The tea was absolutely vile! I had it for a few days but just gave up, it tasted like mud and smelly socks gravy, disgusting! Poo poo!! And WHAT was I doing drinking this tea concoction prepared at the back of a Chinese shop in Lewisham? For all I know it could be dried mud. Did you know that herbal medicines are not regulated in the UK!? Shocking.

It became unbearable after each acupuncture session, with three of the vultures trying to sell me more tea. I know that that is how they make their profit, but I was feeling like I was being held at tea point. Even when I categorically told them that I would not buy any more of the vile tea, they said I would not get better then...nice... At my last session, I just didn't want any of that shit and had a script ready should I be held hostage again: the translator said that this was my last session and asked me how my bloating was. Marvellous, I said, feel much better! What about the heavy periods? Normal, never had a problem again. And the night sweats? All gone, I feel really good, thanks. But you are looking very tired... oh.. the cheek! This is beyond hard sales! They are preying on people's weaknesses, trying to find a problem and make people feel vulnerable, then selling tea! I know, I fell for it, but only once!

Whilst I was having my last session and "trying to relax", I was getting my getaway script ready: no, I don't want any of your vile tea and you will never see me again you horrible people! But I didn't need to. A woman was already shouting at them: "you lied to me! You said my baby's skin would get better in a week, and now you are saying he needs to take the tea for a month and charging me for it!!!" Hard sales guy was working even harder to get out of this embarrassing situation. I felt vindicated, and was not stopped as I left the shop forever. It felt auspicious, unfortunately, I should instead have been suspicious. A lasting gift from Herbal Inn: three days with a bruised back due to the "doctor's" back massage. As for the bloating, well, it was something as easy as avoiding eating fruit in the morning...